Saturday, February 02, 2013


(Written more than a year ago, on November 16, 2011.)

I am in love with a gay man.

Well, a gay character. On a TV show. Kevin Walker on Brothers and Sisters.

I don't know how to go about it. I had this thought - I am in love with a gay man - about 36 hours ago when I was watching the 3rd of 4th season of the show. And now I've finished watching the show, all 5 seasons. I think I've lost the initial gush of feelings that came with the initial realization.

In the past, all male characters that I've loved on TV have been less because of how cute they are, and more because of how they look at the women they're in love with. It's Ross with Rachel in Friends; it's Derek with Meredith in Grey's Anatomy; it's Ryan with Marissa in The O.C.; it's Luke with Lorelai in Gilmore Girls; and others I won't list now.

I think maybe it's partly the same thing with Kevin, but it's more than that. I don't know if I can picture myself with someone like him, but his consummate personality rouses something deep-set and fundamental in me. His intelligence, his politics, his short temper, his emotional vulnerability and his emotional reactions. I suppose after these things sunk in, his handsomeness did, too. Finally, in the 5th season, there were a couple of episodes in which he had almost a full-grown beard. That was just the nail in the coffin in a deeply dug grave.

He is intelligent and understanding, but is not immune to his most innate emotional responses. He can be a bitch, but not because he is a bitch. He can be a bitch because that's how his insecurity manifests itself. He can be a bitch because that's how his defense mechanisms work. He is a whole heartedly good and honest person who is not perfect.

I suppose I fell in love with him by season 2. Although his story lines in season 5 seemed manufactured to me, I believe I fell more and more in love with him through season 2-4. I also suppose that during these 3 seasons, it was easier to fall in love with him because he was gay. It is so much easier to attach yourself to that which you cannot have. It is the ultimate acceptance of a failure that is not your fault.

When I finished with the show, I started looking for interviews of Matthew Rhys, the actor that played the character of Kevin Walker. He is not only straight, but Welsh. By that point, just seeing his face was enough to make my heart skip 3 beats, although I'm sure the wine and cigarettes were helping the unsteady ticker. But add to his face and genuineness his relentlessly sexy accent, and I think I might've died a few times.

I started off being in love with a gay character, and am now stuck between a character that no longer lives on television and a man that does live in television and movies. What is better? The fiction I can't have because it doesn't fit the paradigm or the reality I can't have because it's simply not realistic?


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