Friday, September 07, 2012

Claws

How do you get rid of things that claw at you when you don't want them to?

So I recently met this guy who I think I began to like. He's reasonably active on Twitter, so of course that meant that I checked his tweets regularly and also became much more active on Twitter myself (big fucking surprise; I despise myself). Of course this person has friends whose communications with him on Twitter are visible to me.

Without much effort, I discovered this girl (who seems maddeningly cool) who I presume is his friend, or at least they know each other, and with whom he seems to share a flirty repartee. Now, owing to the fact that I'm not entirely psycho and the fact that I don't really know this guy well, the flirtiness, by some mistake of this merciless universe, didn't really bother me. More than that, in fact, it was their wit that was enviable. I felt a little dumber and blunter (as opposed to smart and sharp) whenever I saw one of their comments. But I mean how do you really like someone new without feeling like crap about yourself? So that's fine.

My subtle or not-so-subtle (I have lost all objective perspective) increase in tweets, a couple directed at him, one of them even overtly flirty and there for the taking, garnered no response. Fair enough.

But then a day later, she tweeted something to the effect of "And this one, just for the attention," which I only saw because he responded to it, "Okay, it worked." And of course in the moment I laughed, because it was so cool that someone could even do that. If I said something like that, even the people who noticed would pretend to go blind for three days before my feed was filled up enough so that they could continue pretending like they never saw it. So yes, it's pretty awesome.

Also, all of that is in the past tense because by another mistake of this merciless universe (damn, universe, getting sloppy much?) I managed to stop checking his page. I just scroll down far enough on my home page to see if I can spot a tweet from him, but that's it. Yay for progress.

What I don't get is why the fuck, over time, this is the thing that is clawing at me. It seems to bother me more than even him ignoring me.

So, how do I get rid of this clawing?

Method 1: Rationality

Let me try to be completely rational. This has nothing to do with me since it's between him and her. Okay, it was a marathon effort to end that sentence without appending to it the obvious "except the fact that he obviously thinks she's worth the attention and not me." But I did it, to be rational. So it's not about me. Rationally, really, their exchange has abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with me, and yet it claws at me. As if there aren't enough things that actually do have to do with me that are just waiting in line to be called up to fuel the insecurity and inadequacy fires, now this thought just wanders around the hallways of my brain, and at will, pops into the tiny secluded room where I sit, says peekaboo, and then waltzes off.

So what I'd like to do is tell this thought: Screw off. You think you can make me feel like crap. Ha! You better try harder.

And even as I say that, I fail, because in talking to it, I have summoned it, and now here it is, staring at me with a smile that says, "Oh hey there! Nice to see you again. Hope you're doing well. I'm just minding my own business, but I'll drop by occasionally to check on you." And as it stares at me, I feel the claws, gouging out bits of flesh from my gut.

Method 2: Practicality

Let me allow myself the appending, and make the sentence, "This has nothing to do with me since it's between him and her, except the fact that he obviously thinks she's worth the attention and not me." Let's say that is, in fact the case. (Claw, claw, claw. I suck. Everyone else is better than me.) Well, if it is, then what's my out? Suck it up and deal with it. Riiiiight. That'll happen. Actually, isn't that what I'm doing?!

Method 3: Shut up

Let me stop ranting and bounce around between methods 1 and 2 inside the already weakened walls of my mind. They'll break soon enough, and in the mess that ensues, I won't even be able to find this thought! Goodbye, clawing! Method 3 it is.

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